Reflections

Someday...

Remember when...

If only I...

Phrases that I don't like to say. As in the song "We have only so many days to ride around the sun..." And some days I feel more true to that then others. Really trying to live every day. But then there are days when I ask myself just what in the hell am I doing. In 6 short weeks, Elijah will be born. 6 weeks. In 27 years there probably isn't a more important event in my life that has happened. Well there are two. The day I accepted Christ, and the day Chenoah said yes.
It seems to have all gone by in a flash. I still remember vivid details of 1st grade and Jr high and High School. My 10 year reunion is in August. Crazy to think that I will be arriving with Wife and Child in hand. Its truly hard to grasp the meaning of what we are doing here sometimes. I feel a lot is pointless. The relentless pursuit of things at times. We work all day and some people all night to provide for our families. God gives us gifts to use and some will use them others won't even recognize that they have gifts. I fear sometimes that I am one of the latter. I fear that I just let time slip by and I am really not doing the things I should be doing. My job is an important one, and I feel adept at doing it. I feel like it truly could be so much bigger than it really is if I would only get over the silly little inhibitions that block my way to success. Mr. Fields said it correctly that ifI really wanted to recruit the big dogs, I should probably figure out a way to show them that I have already walked the line. I don't want mediocrity. But then again do I deserve greatness? And I don't mean greatness in terms of fame or anything like that. Mostly I want to be comfortable. To be able to provide for my family and to give generously because I am able to. But I don't feel that my actions justify greatness. At present the may not even justify mediocrity.

There are things in life that we can control and things that we can't. I understand this and most people would look at the phrase and say thanks for pointing out the obvious. But sometimes its exactly what needs to be done. Because sometimes we aren't paying any attention to the obvious because we play a game of denial. We choose to ignore the things we can control and blame everything on the things we can't control and then we end up with those phrases...

Someday...

I remember when...

If only I...

Jeff you really did a number on stability when you called me and said Kim and I are moving to Australia. We are quitting our jobs and going to go on a 9 month adventure that may turn out to be the rest of our lives...It was brilliant. Really it was. Nate you moved to Norway with Tone to pursue and education in a language you didn't even know. 9000 miles away from family and friends so that you wouldn't end up at those phrases. So really what is it? What is it you really want to do. And make it happen. Yes things take money. Find something you love and don't let it waste away in front of you. Because it will float away if you don't grasp onto it. Its never to late and it may not be too early. There is a world to explore and millions of people you haven’t met that could become your next best friend.

Jeff would commonly say when i visited him, "Just be patient, It will work out just be be patient..." And he is right. It will work out but you do need to take an active approach to having it work out Go buy a lotto ticket, for those who know the joke. Step up to the plate: ask for the order: you get the point.

So what is it that prevents us for doing just that. What stops us from pursing that which we want to happen or know we need to do to become successful in our ventures. Fear of_________ fill in the blank. Overcoming the fear is, and has, not been an easy task at times. I don't have the answer unfortunately otherwise I would be hugely successful writing a book and being on a talk show and handing out my secret little formula so that everyone could be rich happy and successful.

Its funny how bad habits form so quickly and are so hard to break yet good habits take forever to form and are so easily broken. Ironic more than funny. I know that I can't change my habits overnight. I know it take resolve and it takes patience and prayer and support. I eat too much I don't exercise enough and I don't work as hard as my family deserves. I don’t' support the church as much as I should, I spend to much and save to little. Jut to name a few of the bad habits. And at times you look at yourself and you may think its a lost cause so you embrace it. And thus embrace mediocrity and end up at those damn phrases...I don't want to end there. I am too young to become bitter and to optimistic to become cynical. So I will change. I will pray for change. The problem is where to start. It would probably be best to handle one thing at a time. Baby steps so to speak. Because in 6 weeks there will be another mouth to fill. Chenoah will be going part time and benefits and the income needs to be made up by me.
Having a child, knowing that there is going to be a wholly dependent person in your life, changes you. Life will pass you by ;things will spin out of control and bad things can and do happen. so start with the things you can control. Life is a series of decisions and consequences, you can play an active roll or...

I wish I had...