Sometimes it just feels like something is amiss but you can't put your finger on it. Its like that important "thing" that you know you are forgetting to do but haven’t the foggiest idea what that "thing" is. Most of the time it’s rather benign, you forgot to get the mail or drop something by a friend’s house or tell someone what happened the other day. But right now I have a sinking feeling....the one where you feel something has gone wrong or is going wrong and I can't seem to figure out what it is.
Business is alright. We had a sideways year last year. Not nearly as good as I had hoped and right now trying to figure out what I can do to prevent any of it from going wrong this year. With Elijah coming in May, my nerves are so strung out that it feels like I haven’t slept, really slept in over a month. Just worried about money of course. Wanting everything to go well. We want to continue to afford our beautiful new home, and our new baby. God has a plan I know but I sure wish He would clue me in on it.
Somewhere in all this working and earning a living there is a purpose. And we have to remember that the purpose, the reason we spend over half of our lives toiling away at our careers is so that we can enjoy some of things in life that we otherwise couldn't afford to do. There has to be a reason we do it. Otherwise we are just spinning our wheels endlessly hoping that someday we find purpose. And hopefully, if you have defined your purpose the reason you are working day in and day out you can feel motivated about what it is you do. There is also a balance between earning a living doing a job you hate but pays well and getting paid pennies to do what you love to do. Either extreme can be bad. But hopefully you can find something you love to do and do it so well that someone is willing to pay you to do it. And slowly but surely you can make a good living at something you love. This was the advice my father gave me. I do something I love. I really do enjoy my job...or at least I think I do. Does it mean that I wouldn't enjoy something else? I honestly don't know. I think I could enjoy doing a great many things, but one thing I am pretty sure of is I would have a hard time working for most people. I am a bit headstrong and opinionated and I like to be in control of my time. But it also comes back to motivation, if you have no reason to go to work...would you? Baby Elijah, Chenoah, our home, these are some of the biggest reasons I go to work. But I also go because I want to save so that we can travel and see the world. So I can taste a nice bottle of wine while wine tasting with our friends; so I can go out to eat at a new restaurant and not feel guilty about getting steak instead of chicken. It seems so simple. My job. Yet, it is so difficult to succeed at. And then I wonder is it really that difficult or am I lacking the proper motivation. It seems like my family should be all the motivation I need, but something is missing in my drive. Maybe I'm just running out of gas lately but I have no clue.
I hope clarity comes quickly and right behind it comes a solution because I have this feeling that I'm walking a fine line and something is amiss....
Jay
